Welcome to How Setting Boundaries aren’t as Hard as You Think! This blog is from my latest Live Facebook video on Wisdom Wednesday. You can watch the full video here.
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This week on Facebook Live, I connected with my tribe on Wisdom Wednesday about Boundaries.
My intention is for us to connect, to learn and to experience ourselves in a different way. In this blog, I am sharing the 5 main talking points:
- What are boundaries?
- Boundaries and self esteem
- What others do when you start setting up boundaries
- Crystals and boundaries
- Understanding the energetic aspect of boundaries and how your soul can grow as you set healthier boundaries
What are boundaries?
There are four types of boundaries:
Examples of Soft Boundaries
When a person has a very soft boundary it’s hard to say no. Many times when you have that soft boundaries you either feel disempowered or you feel manipulated by others.
An example of it is where you have a job and your boss doesn’t respect you. He always ask you to stay longer than your 9-5 hours. Plus he will not honor that extra time working. This irritates you but you don’t say anything. You keep taking whatever it is that the other person is trying to put on you.
You know what is going on but you have a hard time saying no. I am going to go over the reasons why it’s hard to set boundaries once I have described the other types.
Examples of Rigid Boundaries
The opposite of soft boundaries are rigid boundaries where it is easy to say no. The rigid boundaries are very closed and walled off. It’s very easy for you to say no but you’re extreme when you do it. This can come across as being harsh.
For example, a client doesn’t show up for an appointment and you tell them they can’t reschedule. It doesn’t mean that it’s not a good rule. However, if you’re upset because they don’t show up then being rigid is a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt. It doesn’t feel good and is extreme.
Examples of Spongy Boundaries
The next type of boundaries are spongy ones. It’s more like you are being inconsistent. Sometimes you like you’re very soft and sometimes you’re very rigid with your boundaries. Or you could be very soft with some situation on relationships and then you’re very rigid on working situation. It doesn’t mean that you always have the same kind of boundaries in all situations.
Someone with spongy boundaries usually asks others for a lot of opinions.
They don’t check in or center themselves. Or take just a second with your heart. It’s more like they try to set the boundaries based on what’s going on outside of themselves, rather than asking your soul, you’re inside.
Examples of Flexible Boundaries
Flexible boundaries are neither soft, nor rigid. They are centered and a sense of control that comes from your heart and soul. You want to aim to have flexible boundaries.
There are lot of things involved with having flexible boundaries. First off, you need to disconnect what the other person is doing and the reasons behind what the other person is doing to your value.
When you have flexible boundaries you are able to separate yourself from the situation. You’re able to take the emotions out of that situation. You create boundaries that are healthier not only for yourself but for other people.
You might find it interesting to read more about how these four boundaries relate to your Sacred Money Archetypes here.
Boundaries and self esteem
The connection between your boundaries and self-esteem. Imagine it is an infinity sign, which is like the number 8 on its side. Your self-esteem influences your boundaries, and your boundaries influence your self-esteem. There’s a really synergy and flow between self-esteem and boundaries.
Where you’re not setting up boundaries, where people are stepping over you or over your work or whatever that is. You’re going to miss out on opportunities. Your self esteem will be low.
As you grow and improve your boundaries. You create more flexible boundaries, which means you start creating and receiving different results. Different opportunities start coming to you once you stand in your power. Your self esteem is high.
Be aware that your feelings of self worth have an energy and are running behind the scenes.
Flexible boundaries are powerful for your self esteem because they are in alignment. You feel good because they are aligned with your heart, your soul and with what is really important for you.
What others do when you start setting up boundaries
As you start creating healthier boundaries creating flexible boundaries in your life it’s natural that the other person will react. They may scream like “what’s going on? That’s not the person that I used to talk to.” Especially when you are looking at creating healthy boundaries inside your house.
For example, with your children, your wife or husband. As you start to stand in your power and as you start creating better boundaries. Know that it’s natural that the other person will react and it will many times you know backfire on you. When you create discussion they may push back, try to guilt you and do anything to have you change your boundary!
This is sometimes why people think boundaries are bad.
My advice is to disconnect from the feelings that were running behind the show. Disconnect from the fear of whatever it is that was creating the lack of boundaries. Allow the person to react until they don’t react. It is a process.
It’s important to understand the energetic principle of the boundary. What has it unconsciously touched inside of the other person to cause such a reaction? Or inside of you? How can you shift your perspective?
The Number 1 Reason Fail to Set Flexible Boundaries
The number 1 reason that people fail to set up healthy boundaries flexible boundaries is they needed to be liked. Or it may attack a belief that you have about yourself. People are afraid of being judged. To have someone talking about them to someone else is a common fear. So unconsciously they create unhealthy boundaries.
Example of money fear and boundaries. You have a boundary that you do not work on weekends. Your client requests a meeting at the weekend. You say yes, breaking your boundary because you have a fear of not keeping the client. No client. No money. Your self esteem goes down and your ability to make more money reduces.
When you stand in your power and say no. You honor your boundary. Yes you may lose that client and yet you will attract another who is in alignment with your boundaries. Your self esteem grows and your prosperity grows too.
Crystals and boundaries
Let’s talk about crystals and boundaries. There are a few crystals that will help you with setting up healthy boundaries.
Hematite for protection
The first crystal I want to share is hematite. It kind of looks metallic. I don’t see it as black I see it as grey metallic stone. In olden times, many fighters would use these in their protective shield. To protect them when they go to war.
I recommend hematite to people who have a hard time setting up boundaries because it’s not safe. Particularly if when growing up it was not safe for you or it could risk your life. It’s a very powerful stone for you as you grow and heal to set better boundaries.
Rose Quartz for saying no lovingly to family
The next crystal is the rose quartz. It will support you with your self worth and your self esteem. So you can grow your love for yourself and for others. As you set healthier boundaries you are also loving the other person. You are showing them the value of setting healthy boundaries.
For example, a son who has a parent that enables him to gamble and lose all his money by paying off his debt each time. The mother has a hard time saying no to the son.
She needs to learn to say “I love you very much and you need to look at how you can heal from this”. Sometimes saying no is the most powerful and healing thing you can say to a person. Otherwise you keep enabling that person.
The rose quartz is a great crystal for a person dealing with a similar family situation. It’s like I love you so much and that is why I am setting up boundaries. It’s time that you stand on your own and that you walk with your own feet.
Citrine for saying no to work boundaries
The other stone that is similar to the rose quartz that is good for setting up healthy boundaries is citrine. What I suggest is you go to a crystal store and look for a stone that calls your attention. It can be pointy or a smooth round stone. It works with the self esteem and in particular with value. It is perfect for a work situation. Like when you have a hard time saying no to a boss.
Sodalite for releasing turmoil
The last stone is sodalite. It is good for when you need support with emotional balance or when there is turmoil. Like if there is a legal situation when you are being sued or you are suing someone. The sodalite stone is great for releasing the negative energy of turmoil.
Another example could be when someone doesn’t pay you for your work. You might have a hard time putting up a boundary because your value is tied up underneath the situation. Unconsciously it becomes about the person didn’t pay me because they don’t value my work. And it has nothing to do with your work. This could lead to setting up very harsh rigid boundaries that hurt you in the process.
Understanding the energetic aspect of boundaries and how your soul can grow as you set healthier boundaries
Anytime you have a hard time setting up healthy boundaries it is because there are a lot of bottled up emotions trapped in your energetic body. All your fears and memories of past experiences are literally clogging up your thoughts and your energetic body. This creates confusion and lack of trust in yourself and makes it hard for you to set up your boundaries in a way that honors you.
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All you need to do is choose a crystal that will support you from what you learned above. I would get four stones, so let’s say if you’re going to get a rose quartz, you can have one in each hand. Place one below each of your feet too. So when you run energy it is coming through filtered using the power and support of the crystals.
This will help you to identify any beliefs, feelings and emotions that you are ready to release and let go of in your body.
Having boundaries is an exercise in caring for and respecting yourself. You have the right to expect a certain level of respect and consideration from others.
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Let me know in the comments if you want to learn more about it. Or how you are getting on with setting healthy boundaries. Have I changed your view of thinking that setting boundaries are hard?